Do your children deserve rewards for everything they do?

When my daughter Alice was five years old, she came home from school with a certificate for good attendance.

She was over the moon with excitement and proudly showed it to everyone she met.

As a proud parent, I couldn't help but feel happy for her and encouraged her to keep up the good work.

But then it got me thinking, should children be rewarded for everything they do? Does it set unrealistic expectations for them in the future?

Let's explore this topic further.

Examples of over-rewarding children

Parents may have different reasons for wanting to reward their children for everything they do.

Some may want to boost their self-esteem or motivate them to achieve their goals.

However, rewarding your child for doing everyday tasks such as brushing their teeth or completing their homework may send the wrong message.

It creates a culture of entitlement, where children expect to be rewarded for everything they do, both big and small.

For example, if a child is given a reward for every assignment they complete, they may become more focused on the reward than the actual learning process.

They may also feel disappointed or discouraged if they do not receive a reward for something they expected to be rewarded for.

Case study: The helicopter parent

Let me tell you about a friend of mine, Jane, who has two children, a boy and a girl.

Jane is what we call a helicopter parent – always hovering around her children and ensuring they have everything they need.

One day, her son asked her for a new video game that had just been released.

Jane promised to buy it for him if he got an A on his math test.

Her son studied hard and aced the test, but when Jane went to buy the video game, it was already sold out.

Her son was deeply disappointed and asked her to buy it for him from an online store.

Jane complied, but the incident made her realize that she had been over-rewarding her children for their accomplishments.

She started to set realistic expectations for them and encouraged them to strive for goals without expecting a reward in return.

Practical tips for parenting without over-rewarding

So, how can you raise your child without over-rewarding them?

1. Set clear expectations: Communicate clearly with your child about what you expect of them, whether it's doing their chores or getting good grades. Make sure they understand that it's a responsibility and not something they will be rewarded for every time.
2. Focus on intrinsic motivation: Encourage your child to find joy in their accomplishments rather than focusing solely on external rewards. Praise your child for their efforts and hard work rather than just their achievements.
3. Occasional rewards: It's okay to reward your child for a significant achievement or on special occasions, such as their birthday or a holiday. However, make sure it's not an everyday thing, and they understand that it's not a given.

Conclusion

While it's natural for parents to want to reward their children for their accomplishments, over-rewarding can have negative consequences.

It can create entitled behavior and unrealistic expectations for the future. Instead, set clear expectations, focus on intrinsic motivation, and occasionally reward your child for their accomplishments.

Remember, raising a successful and happy child is not about giving them everything but teaching them the skills they need to succeed in life.