Estranged from Adult Child: Practical Parenting Advice

The Story of a Mother Estranged from Her Daughter

Jennifer always thought she had a great relationship with her daughter, Samantha. They were close when Samantha was growing up, they shared many interests and activities, and Jennifer was always there for Samantha when she needed emotional support.

However, when Samantha turned 18, things started to change. She became distant, moody, and secretive. She stopped sharing her life with her mother and started spending more time with her friends. Jennifer tried to connect with her daughter and understand what was going on, but Samantha did not want to talk or listen.

Years went by, and the situation did not improve. Samantha moved out of home, changed her phone number, and blocked her mother on social media. Jennifer was heartbroken and confused. She did not know what she had done wrong or how to fix the relationship with her daughter.

Eventually, Jennifer learned that Samantha had some mental health issues and a history of trauma that she had kept hidden from her mother. Samantha felt that Jennifer was too controlling and judgmental and that she did not respect her boundaries and choices. Samantha needed space and independence to heal and grow as a person, and Jennifer's well-intentioned actions and words had been perceived as intrusive and invalidating.

It took a lot of work and therapy for Jennifer and Samantha to reconnect and rebuild their relationship. Jennifer had to accept her daughter's autonomy and agency and learn how to communicate and empathize with her in a more respectful and supportive way. Samantha had to learn how to express her emotions and needs assertively and constructively and how to set healthy boundaries and limits.

The Phenomenon of Parent-Child Estrangement

Jennifer's story is not uncommon. Parent-child estrangement is a complex and multifaceted phenomenon that affects millions of families worldwide. It refers to the situation where a parent and a child, regardless of age or gender, have little or no contact or relationship for a prolonged period, often years or decades, due to unresolved conflicts, misunderstandings, or trauma.

According to recent research, parent-child estrangement is more prevalent than divorce, with up to 12% of families experiencing it. It can have devastating effects on all parties involved, including psychological distress, social isolation, health problems, financial difficulties, and legal disputes.

Parent-child estrangement can be caused by various factors, such as:

• Disagreements over values, beliefs, or lifestyle choices
• Abuse, neglect, or mistreatment
• Family secrets, lies, or cover-ups
• Mental illness, addiction, or criminal behavior
• Divorce, remarriage, or blended families
• Cultural, ethnic, or religious differences

Parent-child estrangement can also have different forms, such as:

• Physical estrangement, meaning no face-to-face contact or visits
• Virtual estrangement, meaning no phone calls, messages, or emails
• Emotional estrangement, meaning no emotional connection or intimacy
• Partial estrangement, meaning some contact or interaction but with limitations or conditions

Parent-child estrangement can also have different degrees and durations, depending on the parties' willingness and ability to reconcile, the quality and history of their relationship, and the external factors that may influence their communication and conflict resolution skills. Reconciling after a long period of parent-child estrangement can be challenging but not impossible, as Jennifer and Samantha's story shows.

Parenting Advice for Dealing with Estranged Adult Children

If you are a parent who is estranged from your adult child, you may feel angry, sad, guilty, resentful, or confused. You may blame yourself or your child for the situation, or you may feel helpless and hopeless. However, there are practical steps you can take to improve your relationship with your estranged adult child and increase your chances of reconciliation:

1. Respect your child's autonomy: Your adult child is a separate person with their own thoughts, feelings, and goals. They have a right to make their own decisions, even if you disagree with them. Avoid criticizing or judging your child's choices or lifestyle. Instead, show interest and curiosity in their perspective and experiences. Ask open-ended questions and listen attentively without interrupting or lecturing. Show empathy and compassion for their struggles and challenges. Acknowledge and validate their feelings, even if you do not share them.
2. Take responsibility for your mistakes: Parenting is a complex and challenging role, and no parent is perfect. You may have made mistakes, unintentionally or intentionally, that have hurt your child or damaged your relationship. However, blaming or minimizing your behavior will only worsen the situation. Instead, apologize sincerely and own your mistakes. Make amends if possible and appropriate. Ask your child what you can do to repair the relationship and respect their answer. Do not expect immediate forgiveness or reconciliation. Rebuilding trust takes time and effort.
3. Seek professional help if needed: Dealing with parent-child estrangement can be overwhelming and distressing. You may benefit from seeking professional help, such as therapy or counseling, to improve your emotional and relational skills and cope with your feelings and thoughts. A therapist can also provide you with a neutral and supportive perspective on your situation and help you develop a plan of action to repair the relationship with your adult child. Additionally, a mediator or a family therapist can facilitate communication and conflict resolution between you and your child if both parties are willing to participate.

By following these practical parenting advice, you can increase your chances of reconnecting with your adult child and improve the quality and closeness of your relationship. However, keep in mind that every situation is unique, and there are no foolproof or universal solutions. You may need to adapt and modify these advice to fit your specific circumstances and dynamics. Reconciliation may not always be possible or desirable, and you may need to accept and cope with the loss and grief of a broken relationship. Whatever your situation, remember that you are not alone, and there are resources and support available for you.

Conclusion

Parent-child estrangement is a painful and challenging experience that affects many families. However, it is not a hopeless or irreversible situation. By respecting your child's autonomy, taking responsibility for your mistakes, and seeking professional help if needed, you can improve your chances of reconnecting with your adult child and healing your relationship. Keep in mind that every situation is unique, and there are no easy or quick fixes. Reconciliation may take time, patience, and effort, but it is possible.

If you need more information or support on parent-child estrangement, you can check these reference urls and hashtags:

• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/family-estrangement
• https://www.forgive.eu/en/support-advice/getting-back-together-with-a-known-person
• #estrangedchildren #parentingadvice #mentalhealth #familytherapy #reconciliation

Article Category: Parenting and Family